Thursday, July 31, 2008

What if?

Hey Extraterrestrials:

So here's what I've been pondering today, something that I have every intention of developing into my next piece of

What if the Industrial Revolution never happened? Let's say, just for the sake of expanding our minds, that rather than the urge to invent machines, and other contraptions designed to make our life cleaner, easier, and more efficient, the collective known as the human race developed their intellect instead? I'm talking about a mental revolution. Would this improve the living conditions on our planet, or would we be screwed? If this epiphany of the species began around the same time as the industrial revolution, thereby replacing said revolution, could we hypothesize we might reap relatively the same benefits from this alternate path toward advancing civilization?

Communications is the first thing that comes to mind. Without the distractions of gadgets and gizmos, how much more of our brain pan would be available for us to focus on the areas of ESP, telekenisis, mental telepathy, and learning how to spell words like vacuum? I mean really, couldn't we build the same big buildings, create really cool music and other entertainment options, and move about the planet just as easily using the power of mind control? Think of it. Teleportation, astral projection, walking on water, all of these facets of everyday life, with the proper attention to cranial development, would be possible. In fact, I'll even go so far as to say our civilization might even be more advanced than it is now.

If anybody's out there reading this (really, who am I kidding) I'd like your thoughts on the subject. But please, all you would be writers out there, don't steal my neato premise. I look forward to creating this world on the printed page someday. Now all I need is a plot and about 6 months to finish the first draft of my current WIP, get my other WIP, Forbidden Seed(s), into good enough shape to find a publisher, and hopefully resist the urge to down many mouthfuls of sleeping pills to make the pain go away.

Until then,
Hee Haw

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Hey Extraterrestrials:

I don't know why, but I find this fascinating:

No jail for boyfriend of woman stuck to toilet
He gets probation in case, though he did get jail time for separate lewd act

Pam Babcock was found stuck to a toilet in this trailer home in Ness City, Kan. She lived there with Kory McFarren, who on Tuesday was sentenced to six months probation.

NESS CITY, Kan. - A man whose girlfriend sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her body will spend six months on probation.

Kory McFarren pleaded no contest last month to a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. A judge sentenced him Tuesday to six months in jail but granted the probation after the victim, Pam Babcock, asked for leniency.

"She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault," Ness County Attorney Craig Crosswhite said.

Babcock's plight became known in February when McFarren called the Ness County sheriff, expressing concern about his live-in girlfriend. When authorities arrived, they found Babcock physically stuck to the toilet.

McFarren told police Babcock had refused to come out of the bathroom for two years. Medical personnel estimated she'd been sitting on the toilet for at least a month and said the seat had adhered to sores on her body.

She is now under the protection of a guardian who was appointed through the legal department at the hospital where she received treatment.

Also Tuesday, McFarren was sentenced to six months in jail for an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to a teenage neighbor in March.

I think it's that last bit that really makes this story fascinating. Maybe due to the fact his girlfriend was stuck on the toilet, he simply had to find another place to pull out his winky.

Hee Haw

Monday, July 28, 2008

Poor little neglected blog.

Hey ET's...

Yeah, I'm a bum. I've slacked off completely on keeping this blog thingie up, but to be fair, some of the thoughts I've got going round in my head are just too personal to share with the internet viewing public and besides, it's just too hard to gather up all those little scraps of paper I've got lying around and determine which of my scribblings make sense and which don't.

Here's a quick recap of my glorious return tour to my home town. As much as I enjoyed the visit, whoever said you can never go home again was the most fucking brilliant person that ever lived. The one person I actually attempted to look up appears to be recently deceased, my in-laws don't really give a shit if I live or die, and I didn't run into Kobe Bryant or any other Laker players not even once.

So, Mr. Great novelist author dude, what's up with your puruit of publishing nirvana? Answer, I'm working on it while telling myself it's not about the destination, it's the journey that really matters. You know what, I'm getting really sick of this new age psychobabble bullshit. I've been on the journey, and it's all well and good, but what's the point of going on a journey if you're never going to get anywhere? Why is it that the only ones preaching about the fucking journey are the ones who are charging huge sums of money to talk about the journey. Why, if taking this "journey" is such a natural process, is it so much damn work? And how can there be so many self-help guru's out there preaching the same crap only using different terminology? Four steps, 12 steps, 7 steps, can't any of these guys get a consensus on how many steps it takes to reach enlightenment? Couldn't they just get together and write one book? Oh yeah, they already did. I think it's called the Bible.

Let's face it, if you didn't ultimately think you were going to become wealthy by taking this journey, would anyone really care?

Like P.T Barnum once said: There's one born every minute.

Oh yeah, Facebook is kicking Myspace's butt.

Hee Haw

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The waiting room

Day 2:

"Can I get an update here? This waiting is going to drive me nuts. They said it would take 2 hours and we're going on four. Why do I have a feeling that something's gone horribly wrong? Where's that damn liason anyway."

"Dad, Dad, DAD."

"What Daniel?"

"I'm bored. When are we going to the beach?"

"Okay, just let me see if I can get some answers from someone around here. I'm worried about your sister right now and I'd hate to be gone if there's an emergency."

"Go ahead and go. We'll call if you anything happens. It looks like they're still going to be awhile."

"I swear I haven't felt like this since since Daniel was a baby going through open heart surgery, which, by the way, didn't take this long. A parent should never have to got through this even once, let alone twice."

"I think they're done."

"Is she okay? Was it a success."

"I'll admit, it was touch and go for awhile, but you can see her now. I think she's responsive and will be just fine."

I leave my spot in the waiting room and walk down the long hallway to the room where I left my daughter some 4.5 hours ago. I hesitate slightly before entering, looking for something to grab onto should it be necessary. My feet feel like lead weights and have gone numb from all the pacing. When I finally do go in I have to blink a few times to make sure what I'm seeing is actually real.

Thank God, I think she'll survive.

Hee Haw

Friday, July 11, 2008

Day one Charlie Horse's trip log

Greetings Extraterrestrials:

Hung out in Whittier after nearly 24 hours of no sleep other than what pathetic amount I got on the plane. Typical flight from hell. Stuck on the runway for god knows how long (electrical difficulties) while somebody's toddler screamed bloody murder at the top of her lungs. Aging stewardesses trying to overcharge for a few pieces of fruit, a bag of chips, and a granola bar. Watched part of a Jack Black movie before I drifted off into a restless sleep. Woke up to some never ending show detailing how wonderful the Beckhams are. Finally arrived in L.A. only to find out it's nearly as humid here as it is back in Indiana.

After a nap, I saw my old school (Whittier College, which seems to have added quite a few new buildings but still looks like J.C. compared to IU). Saw my old house, old record store I used to hang out at, things change, yet they still remain the same.

I suppose the good news is my daughter decided against a naval pierciing when she found out she wouldn't be able to swim for 3 months. Of course I was very consoling.

I have to admit, it's good to be here in the place where I was born and raised. No matter how long I stay away, this place will always feel like home.

Hee Haw

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

So here's the plan (if you can call it that)

Greetings Extraterrestrials:

So the day after tomorrow me and the kids (or should that be the kids and I, I'm not sure what's correct anymore) hop on a plane bright and early and head to L.A.

Now some people plan a vacation as though they fear that if a single minute of it is wasted then their not getting their money's worth.

Here's my plan:

1. Go to the beach
2. Eat an In n Out Burger
3. Eat a Tommy's Burger
4. Go to the beach.
5. Knotts' Berry Farm
6. Write

Yes! That's correct. I do intend to write. I hope to take at least a few days hole up in my sisters house with the goal of adding significantly to my latest first draft.

Other than that, let the cards fall as they may.

Hee Haw

Monday, July 7, 2008

Is it really summer?

Hey ET's

The fourth of July has come and gone and the kids and I did this...

That's us marching with a Greepeace group to raise awareness to the threat to our planet of global warming. Of course it was pouring rain and we were soaked (well, if you look real hard I'm the dude in the middle of the picture with the black umbrella so I wasn't quite the drowned rat that Audrey was), but surprisingly there was still a pretty good turnout of hearty Hoosiers and I think most of them were supportive of our efforts.

Later that night it was all about the fireworks and there's nothing funner (yeah, that's Hoosier for "more fun") than oohing and ahhing with the townies over a cheap pyrotechnics show on a muggy summer eve. Seriously, no one hardly got shot at or nothin'.

Myspace or Facebook?

So here's a little update on my internet networking pursuits. Facebook - 16, Myspace - 2. I'm not writing Myspace off just yet, but obviously Facebook has jumped out to an early lead.

Hee Haw

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

What's the difference?

Hey ET's

Did you ever ask yourself, when trying to decide on two very similar products, what's the difference? In a side by side comparison, what are the things that makes one product stand out from another. For example:

I'm a guy, who lives with a couple of females; my wife and my daughter. On occasion, I'm asked to go buy female products for them (you know what I'm talking about). Is it just me, or is this task way more difficult than it needs to be? I mean, how many different products do you need to perform the same task? My god, there's one's with wings, without wings, with little adhesive strips, thin ones, thick ones, long ones, short ones, big ones, round ones, crazy ones...wait, I've slipped into an Eric Burdon song from the 60s.

Today, in order to bolster my presence on the internet, I decided I need a Facebook page. Or do I need a Myspace page? What's the difference?

In an effort to make my point clearer, I'll consult with the internet and see if the wisdom of "Family Guy" can help out.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Peter: What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it’s Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn’t whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that “fag” means “cigarette.”
Peter: Well, someone tell this “cigarette” to shut up.
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, “Oooooo.”
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Okay, this clearly isn't helping. So I guess I'll just sign up for both.

Now if I could just figure out how best to utilize these marvels of modern technology.

Stay tuned...
Hee Haw