Friday, October 31, 2008

Let's talk about books.

Because that's what this is supposed to be all about, right? In particular, I wanted to focus on one genre that I've decided I absolutely, positively detest (wow, check out that cliched use of adverbs).

Self Help.

The very description of these blights upon humanity is erroneous. If you were helping yourself, you wouldn't be following the advice of some fucking mind predator to begin with. A more apt description of this shit would be, "Buy My Book You Dumbfuck and I'll Tell You How to Think, Act, and Feel or: How You Too can be Enlightened to My Way of Thinking."

I could write one of these books. It would be one page long. On that page I would say, "Get the fuck out of bed, stop searching for someone to tell you how to live your life, find something that excites you, and fucking do it."

Have I made myself clear? People who glom onto this pablum clearly don't have enough self esteem to feel as though they can make their own decisions. The idea that you're helping yourself by following some unqualified quack's mandate is ridiculous. And aside from that, honestly, do you really need to read more than one of these tree killers? I mean, how many ways can you find to say the same thing. It would be like hundreds of people all trying to rewrite Stephen King's "The Shining." The original was good. The knock-offs, not so much.

"I used to weigh 300 lbs, was a fry cook at Macdonald's, divorced with homosexual tendencies. Here's how I turned my life around. (This is where the steps come in.) First I found God. Second, I sold my rottweiler to pay for my bariatric surgery. Third, I read a bunch of self-help books. Now I'm an authority on the subject and if you buy my series of DVD's I can show you how to create wealth and prosperity in your life. If you don't believe me ask my supermodel wife how many times I pleasure her in one day. All that in between speaking engagements I travel to in my private jet. Oh, and don't forget to pray."

If it's so easy, if that's the way we were all meant to live, why the fuck isn't everyone on board with this system?

You want to know why?

Because everyone is different.

If you want to know more, send me $20.00 and I'll personalize a plan for you. Or you can come to my $500 a plate dinner I'll be hosting here, here, and here. I promise you, you'll never be the same.

As always, I've probably gone a little overboard (another cliche and I don't care who knows it) with my ranting. I'm sure not everyone hooked on self-help books is as desperate as I make them out to be. Like vegetarians, I'm sure some are decent and very well-adjusted people. I might not even mind hanging out with them. Everything I state here on these pages are completely baseless when it comes to facts to back up my claims. I may, in fact, even feel completely different about this subject in the next day or two. But hell, what are blogs for?

How many steps is that? Three? Four? Seven? Twelve?

Like I said, in my book there would only be one.

Peace, and don't forget to vote for the candidate (cough, cough, Obama, cough, cough) of your choice.


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