The Other End of the Horse

Hi, I’m Tim, and I’m a political junkie. I’m not sure if there’s a twelve-step program for us, but if so, at least I’ve got the requisite opening lines down. I’m equally unsure that you could effectively run a twelve-step program for us, because, for starters, we’d certainly want to conduct a series of straw polls over what steps there would be, and in what order. Not to mention organizing the committee to implement said polls. Further, we’d be so obsessed with the demographics of our group, the trends in messages shared, and the issues that drive each of us to such distraction, that I’m sure we’d just end up politicizing the entire thing. Imagine a ful-service bar attempting to treat alcoholism, and that’s about what it would look like.

As you probably noted, unless you read “The Horse’s Mouth” as a sleep aid, as I do (sorry David, but you know I’m not to be trusted!), I am not the originator of this blog. I have long wanted to start a blog of my own, but have never been able or willing to devote the time to it. But since I need a continuing fix for my politics addiction, what better way than blogging about it. Until I take the plunge and start my own, David has been gracious enough to let me occasionally hijack his.

This seems to me to be a perfect fit. We met online at a fan site of our beloved Lakers (although I was tempted to say it was a dating site, just to spice things up). Our politics are somewhat agreeable, and we are both men creeping into middle age, but still hanging on to the dream of being published writers. OK, truth be told, David’s been creeping into middle age a bit longer than I have, but he’s also actually finished a novel! Given the name of his blog, and my disposition, which should be readily apparent if I’m any kind of writer, perhaps I can function as the other end of the horse.

I am no stranger to being, or being called, a horse’s ass. In fact, my political addiction coupled with a contrary streak often leads to this behavior. While a staunch Democrat, if you put me in a room full of them, I naturally morph into the room’s Republican. I can even do a spot-on Sarah Palin, as I’m originally from Wisconsin, and her accent is faux Minnesota. Throw in a dollop of “Church Lady”, and voila!

But perhaps the most telling symptom of my addiction is the need to read all the numbers, analyze them, get the internal data, and roll all of it together to partake in the ultimate political junkie sacrament: prognostication. With me, it’s bad, real bad.

On Super Tuesday, while most observers were asking whether Obama could really win the primary, and if so, what his chances in a general election might look like, I was quickly organizing a “who is his VP pick?” contest. I chose, yup, Joe Biden. This doesn’t make me particularly prescient either. If you look at all the things Barack needed for the general election and beyond, how could you not pick Joe the Senator? Experienced insider with a vast pool of knowledge and respect in Washington? Check. Popular with white, blue-collar voters, especially in must-win Pennsylvania? Check. Not likely to run for President later, and thus not likely to derail the campaign, or worse, the administration for personal politics? Check. There’s a lot more, but you get the idea.

The week before the election, while most were sweating the polls, the Bradley Effect, vote tampering, turnout, and other such issues, I was busy organizing a state-by-state Presidential election pool. I’m happy to report that if North Carolina stays blue, I am a perfect 50 and 0. Of course, I also predicted Hillary Clinton would win the primary before it started (and was a John Edwards supporter, although not to the degree that some were), so I’m not infallible, merely so involved that I get some of them right.

But that’s the problem. Without a blog, I have nowhere to post these prognostications, insights, and other drivel, so I can claim credit later. So David, as part of my first post on your wonderful site, here’s a fearless political prediction:

In 2012, Joe Biden will not be the Vice Presidential nominee. Barring some major catastrophe, scandal, etc., that honor will go to Rahm Emmanuel.

OK, I feel all better now. David, thanks again for the opportunity, and I look forward to, hopefully, more substantive missives in the future. Oh, if you don’t approve this message, please delete this post...

Guest posted by Tim Johnson

Tired but happy (for once)

I don't have much energy to put into this today, but I did want to point out the obvious. History was made last night in a good way. The kind of history that will forever be remembered as one of those before and after moments. Where were we before, look where we are now. Not having great powers of divinity, I can't say exactly what will follow in the coming years, but I feel fairly confident we're heading in a new direction and that several of the rules most of us have lived with our entire lives will be rewritten in some form or another.

This morning I produced very little on my WIP, which I was really hoping to finish the first draft of last month. What I did get down was not only pivotal to the conclusion, but also inspired by the man now known as our president.

Here it is:

And with that his upper vest pocket began glow. Then sparkle. Then shine. And finally beam upward. And last but not least, do all those other things pure radiant light does when unleashed upon the shadows of doom—those things one can’t quite put a finger on. Into the darkened sky the light from the Eveningstar gem pierced the clouds in a display so bright, so brilliant it could have made a blind man squint and a fish’s eyes water. A beacon that, when reflected off the stratosphere, surrounded the planet spreading a message to all who were witness to it. A message unseen for more days than one can keep track of without the help of several 18 month calendars and a good secretary. A message that stated in no uncertain terms, “You are saved from the darkness.”

I like it, even though it's still first draft and subject to land on the editors floor.

Hope you're feeling good today.

Peace
CH

Election day special!

I know, here I went for months without posting squat on this blog and today I'm going to post twice. But hey, if you can't speak your mind on election day you may as well live in Texas. Am I right?

So what I've been wondering during this entire election season is why in God's name has it been so difficult to see the clear advantages of one candidate over the other. Namely, how can anyone with half a brain cell left in their noggin honestly think that a McCain Palin ticket on Capital Hill would be preferable to an Obama-Biden reign? I understand the master plan of the Universe in that everyone needs to be different in order to keep things running smooth as Jello, and that you can't win over all of the people all of the time, but honestly people, this election shouldn't even be close, especially after the eight years of inept bumbling of the soon to be last Republican administration.

So I thought I'd go to the source. For the first time in my life, I turned on the radio and listened to Rush. All I can say about the experience is I'll probably have nightmares for months after listening to that moron. It's not that he's stupid. In fact, the scariest part about him is that he isn't. But the way he can take a perfectly intelligent idea and twist it to make it sound like it came from the mouth of Beelzebub himself is more frightening than a clown at a birthday party.

According to Mr. Limberger, us liberals don't want to work hard, that our sole motivation in life is to suck off the welfare system and that only good patriotic American conservatives want to work hard and get ahead in this world. Add to that the fact that under Mr. Obama's plan there will be no motivation for good honest American conservatives to get ahead because if you do become successful the government's just going to take your money and hand it back out to us liberal ne'er do wells. And that my friends is...gasp...SOCIALISM.

Okay Mr. Limberger, first off I'd like to say fuck you and fuck all your fucking stupid ass listeners for being so fucking ignorant. The human condition has nothing to do with wealth, nothing to do with who gets to keep what. An enlightened Humanity has an inherent need to feel useful and to spend our days on this planet making a contribution REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH WE GET PAID.

Mr. Asshole, do you honestly think that people would rather collect welfare than work? That being on the welfare roles is a place people aspire to be? That if given a choice, people wouldn't rather have a job that pays them enough to live decently? If this is your belief, Mr. Asshole, if this is truly your belief, I pity your pathetic germ of a soul because you have missed the point of existence entirely. If this is not what you believe but spout this gibberish merely because it makes for good radio than you are scum and should have that golden tongue of yours ripped from your mouth and shoved up your sphincter.

There, I feel much better now.

This is a good thing, right?

It's that time of year again, when the days are growing shorter, the leaves are changing, and there's that woodsy smell hanging in the air signaling a change in the seasons. I think we all know what I'm talking about here...

I'm thinking of writing a short story.

I may not have said it here, or to anyone for that matter, but if there's one thing I suck at it's writing short stories, and song lyrics...

If there are two things I suck at it's writing short stories, song lyrics, and relationships...

If there's three things I suck at, it's writing short stories, song lyrics, relationships, and handling finances...

Okay, there's a lot of things I suck at, short stories being pretty close to the top of the list. So why on god's green earth am I thinking about taking another stab at the genre. Maybe I want to keep poking at it until it's dead, never to rear its monstrously hideous head again. Who knows. But one thing I know for certain: I will not substitute my short story writing for any progress I'm making on the two novels I'm pecking away at. And, (this is a biggie), I will not worry about the word count either. If the damn thing wants to grow into a novel or a novella (eew, not a novella) then who am I to stop it, although I don't see that happening. The idea I'm playing with just doesn't have enough meat to it to last 300 or so pages. That's not to say I wouldn't ever tinker with the idea of trying to find avenues in which this thing could travel. In fact, I've already got a few thoughts on that. But damnit, something is telling me not to be so quick to drive a stake through the short genre's heart, that a really good writer should be able to master several different styles, and my heroes, i.e. Vonnegut, Gaiman, Salinger, etc., never shied away from that sort of work.

Still, I hate the idea of doing something I suck at. It's so much easier to do stuff that comes naturally--like feeling sorry for myself, which, as it turns out, happens to be the very premise for the story I'm contemplating.

Shouldn't be that hard, should it?

Let's talk about books.

Because that's what this is supposed to be all about, right? In particular, I wanted to focus on one genre that I've decided I absolutely, positively detest (wow, check out that cliched use of adverbs).

Self Help.

The very description of these blights upon humanity is erroneous. If you were helping yourself, you wouldn't be following the advice of some fucking mind predator to begin with. A more apt description of this shit would be, "Buy My Book You Dumbfuck and I'll Tell You How to Think, Act, and Feel or: How You Too can be Enlightened to My Way of Thinking."

I could write one of these books. It would be one page long. On that page I would say, "Get the fuck out of bed, stop searching for someone to tell you how to live your life, find something that excites you, and fucking do it."

Have I made myself clear? People who glom onto this pablum clearly don't have enough self esteem to feel as though they can make their own decisions. The idea that you're helping yourself by following some unqualified quack's mandate is ridiculous. And aside from that, honestly, do you really need to read more than one of these tree killers? I mean, how many ways can you find to say the same thing. It would be like hundreds of people all trying to rewrite Stephen King's "The Shining." The original was good. The knock-offs, not so much.

"I used to weigh 300 lbs, was a fry cook at Macdonald's, divorced with homosexual tendencies. Here's how I turned my life around. (This is where the steps come in.) First I found God. Second, I sold my rottweiler to pay for my bariatric surgery. Third, I read a bunch of self-help books. Now I'm an authority on the subject and if you buy my series of DVD's I can show you how to create wealth and prosperity in your life. If you don't believe me ask my supermodel wife how many times I pleasure her in one day. All that in between speaking engagements I travel to in my private jet. Oh, and don't forget to pray."

If it's so easy, if that's the way we were all meant to live, why the fuck isn't everyone on board with this system?

You want to know why?

Because everyone is different.

If you want to know more, send me $20.00 and I'll personalize a plan for you. Or you can come to my $500 a plate dinner I'll be hosting here, here, and here. I promise you, you'll never be the same.

As always, I've probably gone a little overboard (another cliche and I don't care who knows it) with my ranting. I'm sure not everyone hooked on self-help books is as desperate as I make them out to be. Like vegetarians, I'm sure some are decent and very well-adjusted people. I might not even mind hanging out with them. Everything I state here on these pages are completely baseless when it comes to facts to back up my claims. I may, in fact, even feel completely different about this subject in the next day or two. But hell, what are blogs for?

How many steps is that? Three? Four? Seven? Twelve?

Like I said, in my book there would only be one.


Peace, and don't forget to vote for the candidate (cough, cough, Obama, cough, cough) of your choice.

CH

Teknology? Love it ? Hate it? Can it be trusted?

What got me thinking about this techno trap so many of us seem to be caught up in? You guessed it: The election. You know, that thing we can't stop obsessing over? That thing where if we get it wrong, the balance of the Universe could be thrown into complete chaos? That thing where you'll probably have to make the most important decision of your life?

Actually, I may be exaggerating a bit here, especially if I adhere to my philosophy and remind myself that whatever the outcome, ultimately it doesn't matter, because you know what? The Universe shant be controlled by mere mortals, especially old farts with bad comb overs and steel rods up their asses who've been bought and paid for by corrupt wealth.

In fact, IF that does happen, things on this planet could get real interesting real fast.

But back to my original topic of technology. It seems some folks are afraid to use those new fangled computerized voting machines, laboring under the impression that they could somehow be fucked with. In other words, used to rig the election. Thus, here in Monroe County, you have a choice: new technology, or paper ballot.

When I first heard about this I seriously almost bought into it. Then I started thinking, hmmm...I pay my bills on line. Keep track of what little money I have on line. I'm an active participant in certain internet communities. I email, chat, connect, and network. I'm tuned in and turned on. Even my most precious work is done and stored on a computer that I trust will spit it back out to me next time I want to dabble around with it. So why would I fear using a computer to do something that in the long haul is so much less significant than the books I write or my personal identity? I mean, it's not like your single vote will be the difference maker in a life or death situation.

Or can it?

Oh, what the hell. Life these days is automated. That in itself is scary enough. But if you're going to give yourself over to it, don't do it halfway.

Poor neglected blog.

Okay, I'll openly admit I suck at keeping up this blog. I'll also admit that the only reason I'm adding a new post at this time is because I realized that my signature over at Absolute Write has a link to this blog and I suppose there's a chance, albeit a slim one, that someone over there is getting a little ticked at me for allowing a two month lapse between posts with nary a whimper. Now I suppose this will go completely unread because anyone who may have at one time checked this spot for my pathetic words of wisdom has lost all faith in my ability to do so.

If it helps, I'm sorry.

So what, you might ask, prompted me to sit my ass down and spout off today? Well, there's a couple of things, the first being the very nice compliment I received from copeck at AW, who's been reading my shameless one liners. It's nice to know I have at least a one person fan base. And then there's that thing happening in just over a week. You know, that thing where the future of the world lies in the balance; where if the unthinkable happens we're all going to be mega-sad and there'll be protests nationwide triggered by an economy that's collapsed and the re institution of the draft. Being in an academic environment part of me wonders if massive anti-administration demonstrations and rioting might not be sort of an interesting thing to take part in. Maybe there'll even be some dope smoking and free love involved.

Wait a moment while I fantasize...

Okay I'm back.

As for the very nice compliment I received, I'll admit it's flattering and just the kind of thing a struggling writer needs to keep the fires lit. Actually, for the most part all of the comments I've had from readers on my 2nd draft novel that I'll soon be getting back to have all been puzzinglingly positive. Maybe I'm onto something. Of course I won't know for sure until I've gotten about 30 rejections but I've been told not to let those bother me. Even the greatest of writers have been rejected countless times and I'm sure I'm not the exception.

This is where I share my theory on how to be a success as a novelist, which is sort of along the lines of a reality TV show. Outlast, outwit, and outplay the other contestants even if they might be stronger, brainier, and better looking.

In regards to the election...vote early, vote often, vote for Barack.

That is all.